Written on Valentine's Day in 2003, a year and a few days after I ended a dangerous relationship.
CONTEMPLATIONS OF A FORMER WILLING VICTIM
“Blame me for your sister if you dare. She chose to be a willing victim.”
-Kurvan in Cataract by Tara K. Harper
That’s so much of the problem. Every day in our lives, we so often make the choice to be victimized. It may be something as small as the abuse you silently take from a stranger who insults you or shoves you out of the way. Or it may be larger, choosing not to fight back against a thief, sacrificing your non-victim state to retain your life.
I have allowed myself to be a victim for a good part of my life. My victimization began at the age of five. It compounded and carried on through mental and emotional abuse for many years. When I had the ability to make my own decisions, I chose to become a victim once more.
It’s amazing how you protect your victim-state when it is ongoing and in the home (may also refer here to a job). Your mind has all these little tricks. You quickly learn not to talk about it to just anyone, and then you learn to talk about it with no one. You rationalize the actions of your husband or your wife or your mother or your father or your employer or whoever.
You see, I have my pride. If anyone I am ever with hits me or cheats on me, I will leave them. But what about all the other little actions? All the grey areas? What about the insults and the guilt-tripping and the threats? How far away is a threat to hit you from actually hitting you? How far away is flirting, leaving the house in the middle of the night, exposing the body to others from cheating?
I was a willing victim. I have endured the psychoses of others. I have done it in the name of family and I have done it in the name of love. I have apologized for actions I have not taken. I have broken my own heart. I have returned again and again to a man who just cannot have a healthy relationship. I have silently endured the threats of physical retaliation. I have endured the words that I am not attractive, am not strong, am not able to accomplish, am not able to be understood, am not, am not, am not.
I am attempting to free myself from this negative cycle. I have the ability to do so. I am a human being and we do have the ability to rise above what has come before. It may be a sad psychological truth that the abused often become abusers themselves. But they don’t have to. They can rise above it. Just like I who has too often been a victim and been raised by another victim can choose to no longer be a victim.
When you confront the former abuser with this newfound power, chaos often erupts. They become more irrational; their threats come more often. In the case of a romantic abuse, the threats are often entangled with “I don’t want to do it”s and “But, baby, I love you”s. You must be strong. You must be clear on what is considered acceptable behavior.
I have been strong. I have been clear. I am no longer a victim. And so one Deborah no longer exists.
But, you see… he isn’t worth it. And I am. I am worth my love and my attention and my healing.
Choose not to be a victim. Choose not to be an abuser. Choose to be a human being and rise above.