As the Trojans sailed away from the Carthaginian shores, they could see a fiery glow as if the sun were rising, and they all fell into a mood of impending doom. Due to a storm that stirred up, they were not able to hold their course and perforce turned towards Sicily. This was not such a bad thing--they were able to see their friend, Acestes, and honor Anchises through games. So, Aeneas announced to the men that they shall have a field day for the time that they are in Sicily. While he is thus announcing, a snake slithers all over the sacrificial stuff, but doesn't hurt anything, only sampling a few of the foods. Taking this as a good omen, Aeneas proceeds to make his sacrifices and then the games begin.
First, the cut-throat boat race! Gyas starts by being the southern end of a north-bound horse and throws his helmsman into the water--seems he failed to do something, like pack his captain's lucky marble. The boats breeze by, Sergestus passing Gyas as he attempts to take control of the boat formerly controlled by his now-drowning helmsman. However, the Fates were not with him, and he runs aground on a hidden rock, breaking some of his oars. An avid prayer to Neptune allows Mnestheus to get in the lead, but here a woman's desire proves greater--Cloanthus prays to the nereids and is granted the winner's circle. As victor he gets the crown of bay leaves and a purple cloak threaded with gold (rather ill of Aeneas to give up Dido's gifts so quickly, don't you think?). To keep the others in good humor, they also get prizes.
Next come more displays of men's testosterone poisoning! The first of these attempts to show prowess is the footrace. Two friends help each other win--Nisus falls and can't win, but he trips Salius, so his best friend, Euryalus, may win. This puts Salius in a foul temper, but Aeneas soothes him with a lion's hide. Nisus gets a stolen Greek shield, and the true winner, Euryalus, gets a horse complete with trappings.
The boxing ring is so laden with testoterone, it's a wonder everyone isn't dead. (This is when the women leave, nearly retching from the smell of testosterone in the air). Dares, this huge man, steps up to the Sicilian champion, Entellus. Aeneas, typicully pius, evens out the match by requesting them to both use gloves of the same weight. Entellus proves to be a berserker and the SWAT team must be called in to get him down! No, just kidding. Bit of an anachronism there. Anyway, Entellus does end up beating Dares down--he almost kills him in delivering the final punches. Aeneas calls a stop to it all and then Entellus proceeds to demonstrate his testosterone poisoning by punching out the brains of the bull that is his prize. Dares is meanwhile occupied spewing blood and teeth.
Right, so we get to archery. This should chill down a bit, right? Right. Torturing small animals also excites men's testosterone. (Cruelty to animals is never a good thing, children. So do not do this at home.) Anyway, Aeneas brings up a mast from one of the ships, and then sets it up with a live dove as the mark. The first dude misses it, thank Jupiter. The second guy clips the cord and the birdie is FREE! But the third guy is a jackrabbit and shoots the poor symbol of peace in the wing! Can you imagine? They're trying to kill peace! The horror! (Bird, bird, bird; bird's the word.) Anyway, Acestes wants to shoot something, so he shoots towards the sky, and his arrow disappears with a trail of fire. Aeneas says he wins and gives him this really cool bowl that belonged to his father.
Next in line for entertainment was the horse show. Ascanius wants to feel all big and important so he and his friends get into three companies of twelve each and then perform some equine maneuvers. One of these is going to opposite ends of a field, wheeling, galloping at each other, and then pretending to flee. Enthralling.
Now, remember the women who decided to leave the games because the testosterone was making them ill? They had other ways of expressing their displeasure. Of course, the men try to blame it on the Gods... seems Juno sent Iris down to spread more dissatisfaction amongst the wives of the men, but the two insist to historians that they were at a bacchanalian orgy all day and Vergil was taking poetic license. Sure. Like Iris wasn't really the first one to throw a torch from Neptune's fire onto a ship and then disappear into a rainbow flair. Righto, so they started burning the ships, thinking that way they can finally stop wandering and just build their city in Sicily.
Editor's Note: At this time, we would like to assure the teacher that the student is indeed, not insane, and that, just in case, the opinions within this narrative are not our own. We believe the author suffers from Dew-induced mania and too many sit-downs with Pride and Prejudice. Please forgive. End ed. note.
Too late, Aeneas and his men come rushing down to the shoreline. Aeneas is very upset! How could the Mighty Ones of the Double X Chromosome do this? In vain, they try to put the fires out. But hey--the ships are sitting in an ocean, and still burning. They think they can stop that? Aeneast beats his chest and tears his hair, begging Jupiter not to do this to him. So, Jupiter tumbled out of bed to make a midnight stumble to the bathroom. Down comes the rain, putting those fires right out. And there was much rejoicing. Now, Aeneas is sure he must get to Italy, for he too had had doubts in his heart of hearts. Nautes, a wise old man, suggest they leave behind the wusses who don't want to go, and only take those who ardently wish for the founding of a new city. Aeneas gives a little "put out or get out" speech--wait, that was before he and Creusa were married. Scratch that, rewind, reverse it. He gives the people an option on what to do, and then goes to bed to think about it himself.
Editor's Note: The editor would like to apologize for the author's constantly flipping tone. She claims it to be artistic license and won't let us touch it. She has, however, almost finished the Mountain Dew. We hope this excursion into disrespectful mania and impudence to the highest degree might be despelled soon. We also hope that Vergil and the Latin magistra might forgive the silly tone inherent throughout. End Ed. note.
Now, when Aeneas gets to bed, we can only assume he hits a bit too hard on the ganja. Because next thing we know, buddy's trippin' out and seein' his dead father. I mean c'mon--his father told him to take a side-trip and meet up with him in the Underworld and he'd reveal the future. How stupid does he think his son is? Obviously, pretty friggin' stupid. The moron decides to do as told. One should never make such important decisions while under the influence. Neither should one command a fleet. Which means, when he leaves, he's gonna cut out for Avernus and meet up with the luscious Sibyl herself who may be persuaded to lead him down into the Underworld safely, where Anchises is gonna show him the future. Right...
Anyway, you did have a few who decided to stay behind and establish a city in Sicily. They decide to call it Acesta, mark out the site, basically everyone gorges themselves for nine days, and then the ones that chose to go on, leave. Little do they know what their insane and secretly high pius man is about to do
(...he was always the quiet one).
Now Vergil does his typical little switchie thing to talk about the Gods. This time featuring: Venus and Neptune: Underwater Fun. Movie tickets sold only to those XVIII or older, non-refundable. Daily showing at the Temple of Eros. When the talk-show hosts asked him about capitalizing on his mother's exploits, he merely said, "If it was good enough for your forefathers, it oughta be good for you." Can't argue with that--it's the Romans, founded from the Trojans, that gave us our legal system anyway.
Ahem...as I was relating. Venus received Neptune's assurance that only one man would die before the ship reached it's destination. (Hey, the Goddess of Love's not that good!) Immediately following, Neptune gaily zips over the ocean, and assumes to form of a Trojan. (Why the God's meddle in mortal form is beyond me. Smiting is so much more fun and awe-inspiring. If you ask me, Vergil's merely trying to account for normal male failing.) He comes upon Palinurus, who was left to guide the ship to Italy. Neptune offers him time to go down into the recesses of the ship for a bit of relaxation--wine, ganja, women, all that good stuff. The Gods knew how to party. Of course, Palinurus being the loyal little purist he is, refuses. There's nothing to do but put the stick-in-the-mud to sleep and dump him overboard. Oh, excuse me, he "fell" overboard. Despite the seeming lack of a guiding hand, the ship keeps towards Cumae. Suddenly Aeneas relizes that someone's died, and he sadly takes over guiding the ship. But we all know what he was thinking--"Cool. More ganja for me. Maybe if I keep trippin' long enough, I actually will go to the Underworld!"
Leave this ghastly parody, in such poor taste, and return to the relative sanity of the main site...